Letter from Silent Heaven, The Quick Version
by Wong Chung Bang
Summary: You know the story by now. (This was intended to be in the style of ToastyFrog's Thumbnail Theater. I can't equal that, but I can try...)


James: Hello there, mad old bat. Can you direct me to Silent Hill?  
  
Angela: You can't miss the path, even through the thick fog that the game developers have to use to disguise the machine's shortcomings. But... there's something wrong with the town.  
  
James: Maybe, but if I turned around now I could be back in time to have my dinner and the game would last two minutes. Anyway, you're hanging around in a graveyard, so I can safely assume that you're up to no good. Toodle-pip.  
  
Angela: Don't say I didn't warn you, then.  
  
James: Hmm... red bits of paper allow me to save. Obvious now I think about it. And what's that strange noise?  
  
Chainsaw: Buzzzzz.  
  
James: Well, I'll take it along, you never know when a deadly cutting tool might come in handy. Now I'd better follow that eerie shadow in the fog, in a strangely similar way to the first game. What's this radio doing here?  
  
Straitjacket Monster: Gwaaaarh!  
  
James: Oh, yes, and that thing as well. Looks like I'd better grab a weapon, as the chainsaw obviously just won't be enough to get through it. Ah, this pathetic little plank of wood will do.  
  
BAT!  
  
Straitjacket Monster: Gwaaaarh!  
  
BAT!  
  
Straitjacket Monster: Gwurlk!  
  
James: Well, that was easy. Even though this radio appears to be broken, it might come in useful so I'll take it. And now the town's full of monsters, which isn't that surprising, really. Hmm... where now?  
  
Eviscerated body: I've got the key for the apartment if you want.  
  
James: That's a good a place to start as any, and now that the apartment's been mentioned it's fairly obvious that I have to go there. And I still don't have a flashlight or handgun, so no doubt they'll be there... ah, here's one of the two, at least.  
  
Legs: Gwaaaarh!  
  
James: You don't scare me, you plastic freak. Get out of the way, I've got more of this place to explore.  
  
Legs: Thwack.  
  
James: Hmm... living mannequins, straitjacketed demons wrapped in cellophane, a breathing corridor, a shopping trolley... hmm, that trolley seems a bit unusual. Hah, there's a gun in it. How handy. And now if I can just stretch to get this key...  
  
Laura: (Stomp!) Ha-ha!  
  
James: Yeowch! Seafood soup! ...What am I talking about? I've got the rest of the building to explore. No doubt this key will help.  
  
Hole: Bong.  
  
James: Can't see anything in there... might as well stick my hand through. Ouch, that's a vicious clock key.  
  
Clock: Scrape.  
  
James: So many new doors, and I bet half of them are stuck. Let's try this one.  
  
Pyramid: Typical, someone walks in just as it's getting good.  
  
James: Aaaargh, it's like a Swedish film studio in here! Quick, in to the cupboard!  
  
Pyramid: I can still see you, you know, you forgot to turn off your torch.  
  
James: Damn. Well, eat lead anyway!  
  
Pyramid: I'm fed up of this. I'll talk to you later, but I've got more violating to do just now.  
  
James: What a relief. Let's try somewhere else...  
  
Angela: Oh, it's you. Are you frightened?  
  
James: Yes.  
  
Angela: Not nearly frightened enough.  
  
James: That's from the wrong series. Did you find your mother here?  
  
Angela: How did you know that? Oh, wait, I told you. Silly me. Who were you looking for?  
  
James: My dead wife, in fact. But don't worry, I'm not crazy.  
  
Angela: That's nice to know. Will you hold my knife for me?  
  
James: Well, it'll clearly be safer with me than in your hands, so no problem.  
  
Angela: NO!!!  
  
James: Oh, just go away.  
  
Angela: Er... yes. Bye.  
  
James: Next, please.  
  
Eddie: Blaaaaargh!  
  
James: Alright, fat bloke.  
  
Eddie: (Cough, choke) No, I'm not.  
  
James: I know, the same thing happened to me after a meal at Pizza Connection. I'll return when you've finished bowing to the Porcelain Toilet God.  
  
Eddie: I didn't do it!  
  
James: Fine. As long as I can get this chest open by solving yet another logic puzzle.  
  
Desk: Click, click, click.  
  
James: Er... maybe the other way round.  
  
Desk: Click, click, click.  
  
James: Damn it. Let's have another look at the riddle.  
  
(Hours later)  
  
James: All that just for a key? I could just have easily chainsawed the door down. Now to see what lurks behind the stairway door.  
  
Pyramid: Not you again.  
  
James: Not him again!  
  
Pyramid: Are you some sort of voyeur? Stop shooting me, it's irritating. Oh, fine then - sorry I can't stay, but my time's up here. It's far too early in the game for you to kill me off, after all.  
  
James: Light at last, and now to the park. Wait... it's you! What are you doing here?  
  
Laura: Are you blind or something?  
  
James: No, but after seeing Eddie being sick I can understand the advantages. You wouldn't have a letter from my wife, would you?  
  
Laura: Of course not. I don't even know who Mary is!  
  
James: Mary! Isn't that her there?  
  
Maria: Wrong, I'm afraid. Isn't she dead?  
  
James: Oh, yeah.  
  
Maria: That might explain why you can't find her.  
  
James: No, you don't understand - she wrote me a letter. She's waiting for me in our special place, but I don't know where it is.  
  
Maria: It can't really have been that special, then.  
  
James: I suppose there's the hotel...  
  
Maria: The hotel was your special place? I'll bet it was. Ooh, I say, suit you, sir, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean?  
  
James: Are you insinuating something? Anyway, enough of this. Are you coming with me or not?  
  
Maria: Well, why not. I've got nothing better to do.  
  
James: Great, another first for a Silent Hill game. Sadly, this'll involve a lot of running up and down a blocked-off road.  
  
Maria: Bowl-O-Rama? I'll choose not to be protected by you and stay out here with the deadly monsters due to my insurmountable hatred of bowling.  
  
James: Honestly. Women.  
  
Eddie: So did you find Mary?  
  
James: Who are you talking to?  
  
Eddie: Laura. Where did she go? Oh, yes, and she didn't want me to tell you her name, either.  
  
James: Are you coming, or are you just going to sit there and eat pizza?  
  
Eddie: Give me a chance, I lost half my body weight in the apartment. I've got to make up for it somehow.  
  
James: You're about as much use as a chocolate frying pan.  
  
Eddie: She told me that a fatso like me would just slow her down.  
  
James: She was right.  
  
Maria: James! I saw that girl escape, but she squeezed through a gap in the wall that even Naomi Campbell wouldn't manage to get through.  
  
James: Is there another way round?  
  
Maria: Yes, through that door.  
  
James: No good, it's locked.  
  
Maria: I've got the key, in fact.  
  
James: Well, why didn't you say so?  
  
Maria: Just having a bit of a laugh. We'd better get to the hospital.  
  
James: I'm starting to feel like I need one.  
  
Maria: Excellent, a great place for a bit of a kip. Carry on without me, won't you.  
  
James: All right. Don't answer the door to any strangers, now.  
  
Maria: Zzzzz.  
  
James: Oh, well, I suppose I'll go it alone. Now, that's what I call a locked box. Now to spend hours hunting around for the keys and combinations. The roof might be a good place to start.  
  
Pyramid: Clank, clank, stab.  
  
James: Wot a punt! I mean - aaaaargh! Oof. Oh well, at least I got the combination. I'll have this box open in no time.  
  
Box: Click.  
  
Box: Squeak.  
  
Box: Clank.  
  
Box: Rattle.  
  
Box: Scrape.  
  
Box: Grate.  
  
Box: Clatter.  
  
Box: Beep, beep, beep, click.  
  
Box: Turn, turn, turn, click.  
  
Box: Creeeaaak.  
  
James: Typical. There's nothing there. Oh, wait - in fact there's a piece of hair. This is obviously all that remains of that poor man's daughter, so I'll nick it and use it to unblock that sink I saw earlier.  
  
Laura: Oh, hi James.  
  
James: Laura! This is no place for a kid.  
  
Laura: Yes it is, it's a survival horror game. Little girls are always an important element. Anyway, I need to go back and get something.  
  
James: No, later.  
  
Laura: It's a letter from Mary, as it happens.  
  
James: Wow! Where?!  
  
Laura: In that dark room, in the back. I'll just stand here next to the door, hee hee.  
  
James: I still don't see it.  
  
Door: SLAM!  
  
James: Laura! Open the door! Damn, outwitted by an eight year old.  
  
Hangers: Honestly, James, you could be outwitted by a glass of orange squash. Now eat leg-strangling death.  
  
James: That was a far more attractive prospect when it was that woman from Goldeneye. As it is, I'm afraid I'm going to have to shotgun you.  
  
Hangers: Glurk.  
  
James: Ohh... what did I have to drink last night? Oh no, wait, it's just that other dimension that's been threatening to make an appearance for so long. Wonder if Maria's still there?  
  
Lift: Rattle.  
  
James: No, of course not. Still, there's a dry cell battery, which is always nice. What's this? "I was locked in the basement's basement... I dropped my precioussss ring. Sssstupid basement. We hates it." Looks like that's where I'm meant to use this key.  
  
Maria: Wait a minute, James, I followed you down here and I'm none too happy.  
  
James: Why? You were the one that decided to doze off. Anyway...  
  
Maria: "Anyway"?!  
  
James: Yes. Anyway, it looks like I've found the one ring... huh. It's just a ring with a spider on it.  
  
Maria: Oh, stop complaining. You don't seem very scared. Where's Laura?  
  
James: I found her... but, er, she ran away. Yes, that's it. Let's head to the lift.  
  
Radio: Nice to see you, to see you nice!  
  
Maria: Oh, I can't stand him.  
  
James: It looks like that fridge might have something useful in it. (Tug) Er... Maria, could you give me a hand?  
  
Maria: You colossal weed.  
  
James: What's this? Another ring?  
  
Maria: And it's pretty ugly. Here, you can have it - it's bound to be used for a puzzle slightly later on.  
  
James: Great!  
  
Maria: How did sticking them on to the picture unlock the door?  
  
James: No idea, but it means we don't have to use that lift any more.  
  
Maria: Here, have a look at this note.  
  
James: Hmm, what appalling spelling. But there are other things to worry about - I don't have a map for this place... didn't like the sound of that. Run away!  
  
Pyramid: Hi, James!  
  
James: Actually, forget that. Run the other way!  
  
Maria: James! Save me!  
  
James: Oh, save yourself.  
  
Maria: Snaaaaaaaake! I mean - Jaaaaaames!  
  
James: Sigh. I couldn't save her, and Laura got away. I'm totally useless and want to die. Or I could just become a goth poet in this frame of mind. Oh well, it looks like this is the bit where I get to trudge around the darkened town searching for clues for ages.  
  
Box: Creak.  
  
James: Hmm, a hole in the wall of the Historical Society building. Can't beat a long run - even if it is down a straight corridor for miles, sending the player to sleep. At last, a door. And it looks like I'm in an underground prison, as if things couldn't get any worse.  
  
Straitjacket Monster: Gwaaaarh!  
  
James: Not you again. Hmm... a hole. Can't see what's at the bottom of it, so I'll decide not to jump down it in to oblivion. What a good idea.  
  
Straitjacket Monster: Gwaaaarh!  
  
James: On second thoughts, that idea's starting to sound better now. Tally-ho!  
  
(Splash)  
  
James: A damp place filled with grime and litter. Reminds me of my holiday in Glasgow last year, but this time there's no way out. Ho hum, I'd better search every square inch of this wall for a solution.  
  
Wall: Crumble.  
  
James: A secret door. I knew it. Eek, the flashlight's gone out! Oh, wait, that'll be the use of the battery that I was cunningly forced to pick up in the hospital. Another hole, and this time gravity's taken a turn for the worse.  
  
(Crump)  
  
James: Well, that was weird. Hi, Eddie. Didn't see you there at first, even though you're rather difficult to miss.  
  
Eddie: It's not that difficult killing someone. Unless you've got gun skills as dire as my own.  
  
James: Oh dear, you're just as mental as everyone else, aren't you?  
  
Eddie: No, I was only joking. Bye.  
  
James: What a strange person. Looks like this is going to be another puzzle section, judging by the coloured plate left on the table.  
  
Iron Door: Rattle.  
  
James: Look, you can't lock - I don't have any items to get out.  
  
Iron Door: Squeak.  
  
James: Much better, thank you. Hang on - no pun intended - how come I can go outside in an underground prison?  
  
Gallows: SCREAM!  
  
James: Not the noise I was expecting, really, but it means I've solved this bit at least. Hmm, a horseshoe. Wonder why I didn't notice it before. Great, now I can fashion a handle from my items. That's certainly strong wax. Oh good, another chance to seriously injure myself.  
  
(Splat)  
  
James: Yikes, bits of people are stuck in the pipes! This is even more frightening than the Legses. Better dive down here as well to be on the safe side.  
  
(Crunch)  
  
James: What? Another one?  
  
(Crack)  
  
James: I'm starting to get fed up now.  
  
(Thump)  
  
James: All right, this is getting silly. At last, an elevator. A bit nightmarish, true, but still better than breaking my legs again. And it could be worse - at least there's no lift music.  
  
Elevator: Creeeaak!  
  
James: And now I'm in a selection of maze-like corridors with no reason for being whatsoever. Still, I'll opt to be less useless than Harry was and actually draw my own map as I go along. Which way was North again?  
  
Pyramid: Clank, clank.  
  
James: Not him again! Wait, he's only got a spear this time. I'd better pinch his knife and scarper. How handy, it fits right in my jacket pocket and doesn't weigh me down at all unless I'm actually trying to wield it. And now I've got another puzzle in this bizarre rotating thing. I shouldn't have watched Hypercube, I'm more scared than ever now.  
  
Maria: Never mind. At least I'm real, James, even if I'm inexplicably still alive after being cut to pieces by your pointy-hatted friend.  
  
James: You're alive?  
  
Maria: Of course.  
  
James: Aren't you Maria?  
  
Maria: I'm not your Mary.  
  
James: Aren't you Maria?  
  
Maria: Do I look like her?  
  
James: Aren't you Maria?  
  
Maria: I can be if you want me to be.  
  
James: Did you threaten to overrule him?  
  
Maria: Forget it. Hurry round to the other door, and we'll get busy.  
  
James: Will do! Damn, she's dead after all.  
  
Angela: Aaaaargh!  
  
James: Why is it always up to me to rescue everyone?  
  
Angela: You're only after one thing! It's obvious after you saved my life from that hideous walking deckchair... thing. See you!  
  
James: Phew, she's beginning to annoy me. What's this? My own grave? Well, I've got nothing better to do, might as well hop in.  
  
(Thud)  
  
James: What? Seems like Hell's the Industrial Zone from The Crystal Maze. I knew it.  
  
Eddie: James, everyone makes fun of me because I'm a fat, comical fool. They were laughing on the other side of their faces - or what was left of them, anyway - when I shot them.  
  
James: Well, I can see their point. You've got enough blubber on you to feed an Eskimo family for a year.  
  
Eddie: You too, James?  
  
James: No, I didn't mean anything by it. You're the best psychotic blob of lard that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.  
  
Eddie: I knew it. Watch me attempt to kill you by pointing a gun at you for about five minutes without pulling the trigger!  
  
James: Eddie, you're insane. I've recently procured a much more effective weapon for cutting through awkward lumps of fat such as yourself.  
  
CLEAVED!  
  
James: What have I done? I've killed a human... a human being! Still, never mind, back to finding Mary. I'd better get out of here before Pyramid Head finds that I've nicked his knife.  
  
Pyramid: I'm not going to appear just now, but you're going to have to go through an insanely boring rowing section instead.  
  
James: Wait a minute, how did I get above ground again after falling down all those holes? Seems like I've been going round in circles for hours. And I thought I was at the end of the game, with my own grave and all.  
  
(Several hours of frustrating rowing later)  
  
James: Oh, so I turn right before setting off, towards the mysterious-looking light. Finally, the hotel. This place hasn't changed at all in three years. Apart from the corpses. Oh, and the weird door monsters, of course. That's handy - a map as soon as I come in.  
  
Map: "Waiting for you in room 312. I'm your wife, not the monster with the huge knife, honest."  
  
James: Yes, that's Mary all right.  
  
Piano: JANGLE!  
  
Laura: Did I scare you?  
  
James: You certainly did - I thought you were a tired cliche.  
  
Laura: Where's Ed?  
  
James: Ed's dead.  
  
Laura: Here's that letter I was talking about... oh, I must have dropped the other one! I'm going to find it.  
  
James: I should probably try to stop you, or at least protect you from the monsters, but suit yourself.  
  
Music Box: Plink, plonk.  
  
James: I'm no Paul McCartney, but that doesn't sound right. Must be another weird puzzle. Now, I can't get to the third floor so I'll have to use the employee elevator.  
  
Elevator: BUZZZZZZZ!  
  
James: Damn, that was loud. I'll just put everything on this handily-placed shelf so that anyone can come and nick all my stuff, then. Seems a bit of a useless elevator in that you can't even take a key on it without the weight limit going off. Looks like I really need to go on a diet.  
  
Legs: Thwack!  
  
James: Ouch. And I don't have any weapons to defend myself anymore, either. Wait, what's this? Mmm, canned lightbulbs, my favourite. Keeps them fresh and crisp. Now that I can get out of this bizarre basement, it's back to the shelf, I suppose, and no doubt something's missing.  
  
Legs: Thwack!  
  
James: Stop that. I'd just kick it in the head, but, well, it doesn't have one. Here's the shelf again. Hmm, everything's still here. What a wasted opportunity. Now where's that last music box?  
  
(Hours later)  
  
James: On the fountain?! I must have walked past it hundreds of times. Never mind, here's the key to the top floor, and Mary should be waiting for me there... typical, she's not.  
  
Laura: Did you find Mary?  
  
James: No, in fact I killed her. But it was a mercy killing - I wanted to free her from my bad voice acting.  
  
Laura: Great - that's two characters you've killed, three to go. You suck, James. I hate you!  
  
James: Oh, well. And the flashlight's on the blink again. With these weird noises and the elevator working at last, I'd be willing to bet that I'm supposed to go to the basement - and now it's flooded for some reason.  
  
Angela: Mama!  
  
James: No, I'm James, you crazy woman.  
  
Angela: Oh, you're not Mama!  
  
James: I know that.  
  
Angela: Never mind. Give me that knife back.  
  
James: So you can just stab me? Not likely! Do you take me for an idiot?  
  
Angela: Well, you travelled this far in to the town looking for someone who you knew was already dead, so in a word, yes. Can you see the fire as well?  
  
James: Yes - what do you mean, is it just an illusion? Ouch - obviously not. Well, bye.  
  
Mary: James! Just go.  
  
James: Mary? Where are you?  
  
Mary: Just go - get away from me!  
  
James: OK, I'm going!  
  
Mary: Wait!  
  
James: Make up your mind... hmm, nine save points. Obviously something significant's going to happen.  
  
Maria: James!  
  
James: Maria!  
  
Pyramid: (Spear!)  
  
Maria: Glurk!  
  
James: Aaargh!  
  
Pyramids: Clank, clank.  
  
James: Right. That's it. I've still got your knife, you know. Time for some Pyramid-on-Pyramid-on-Knife action.  
  
Pyramids: (Stab!)  
  
James: Well, that was easy. I'll have your eggs and be off. All this stair-climbing can't be good for me.  
  
Maria: What's the matter, James? Fed up with me?  
  
James: Yes, I am a bit - especially as you've died three times already and you just keep coming back.  
  
Maria: Well, I'm going to kill you now, so we'll call it quits.  
  
James: We'll see about that.  
  
Maria: James...  
  
James: Make that four.  
  
Mary: I'm here... waiting for you... in our special place... reading out lines... really slowly.  
  
James: Hurry it up, I know I've completed the game now.  
  
Mary: But... every time...  
  
James: Have you finished?  
  
Mary: James... I want you... to know...  
  
James: That's it, I'm going to drive my car in to the lake to get away from this, and try and get a different, less tedious, ending. 


End file.
